A Mom’s Body

 

I saw this post on Facebook this morning that said:

 

“The fight to feel pretty after having a baby is so freaking hard.”

 

This.

 

This is why I started First Avenue Company.

 

This is why I get up and do what I do.

 

This is why I spend my savings on reinvesting.

 

This is why all profits are put back into the store.

 

This is why I love my customers so much.

 

I remember having Thomas and thinking that this would never get better. I’d never have my body back. My mind, even.

 

I was miserable. I cried. My hormones were obviously nuts, but I felt these emotions - rightfully so.

 

I saw how I looked in the mirror. Every dimple, curve, stretch mark, scar, loose skin, fat, roll, and hair that I couldn’t reach or find.

 

Positivity was out the window at this point. I tried to give myself affirmations:

 

“This too will pass.

 

My body housed and grew a whole human.

 

My body is a miracle.

 

Women are amazing.”

 

I tried. Hard. To say these things was one thing, but believing was completely different. I just couldn’t imagine a world where I loved my body again.

 

Months passed, I tried diets, working out, more self love, and so much more. Nothing helped. Maybe temporarily, but certainly not for a period longer than 2-3 days.

 

I really thought I would be unhappy forever. In that, I was making everyone else miserable too. I was mad. Angry, even.

 

My husband didn’t have to do anything. Hell, in my eyes, he didn’t do anything at all anyway. I didn’t see the small things (or even large tasks) that he did because I was so consumed with myself and my unhappiness.

 

But really though, he had no sacrifice he had to make. He had no stretch marks, saggy or sore tits, or overlapping stomach from a miserable emergency c-section.

 

No suitcase bags under his eyes from waking up at all hours. No major loss of sleep. No hormones going up and down faster than a see-saw.

 

No loss of self.

 

He had it easy.

 

You give so much to your child that sometimes you forget about your body.

 

That is, until you go take a shower and see yourself naked getting out of the shower. Wrapping the towel around in pure disgust.

 

Then, the thoughts dragging in again about how your husband must not want to touch you because of the way you look. And even when he does, you think it’s because of sympathy and just the fact that he’s a good man - so he doesn’t seek out someone else.

 

I’m sure every mom reading this can relate in some way.

 

But at what point do we love ourselves again? Do we gain ourselves back? Do we become who we are or rather, were, before having a child?

 

Some days I see myself slowly reappearing.

 

But.....into an even better me. This time, I’m a mom.

 

I’m strong.

 

I conquered.

 

I did what many cannot.

 

I was blessed.

 

I am blessed.

 

I will be blessed by God.

 

My child is amazing.

 

My husband loves me.

 

One day it will not be like this.

 

One day, I will look back. I will see the woman I was and the woman I became.

 

I will see my strength. I will see my attitude. My sass.

 

My body may have wrinkles. More curves, stretch, rolls, and dimples.

 

But I will have grown into a completely new person. One not obsessed with her body, but obsessed with her confidence. Her self. Her inside. The love she gives. How she can help.

 

And I will see a human that grew inside of me and outside, too.

 

And all will be right in the world when I see him exhibit those qualities of love and acceptance.

 

And when I hear him say, “Mama, I Love You,” I will want to do it all over again.

3 comments

  • I gotta tell you this is all so familiar. I remember having Harlee and thinking why is it taking so long. 13 years later I still cringe at myself naked and wonder why someone would want to see it. My husband is so very loving and encouraging and has NEVER made me feel anything but beautiful however sometimes inside I think why would he want to see me this way when I don’t. Over time it has gotten better but it always creeps up as a thought I the back of my mind.

    Amy
  • This really hit home with me. It took me a little while to get past my emotions and how I felt about myself. I had let myself go for a long time and battled with not thinking I was good enough. I was to the point how did my husband love me if I can’t even love myself. How did he like the way I looked when I didn’t like the way I looked. After BrynLeigh I pulled myself together and started making a change and loving myself again. I had a drive of getting up getting ready and being motivated. I’ve never been able to lose weight and keep it off because I always gave into my emotions but as of 2019 I have been able to keep over 80 lbs off and still driving to do better. I try not to let the negative get the best of me anymore. I Thank God ever night for giving me the perfect family and allowing me to love myself again. I will never be the size I used to be before children but that’s okay every mark I have on my body is from my children and I know that my children and husband does actually love me not for my looks but for the person I am on the inside.

    Brittany McFall
  • This too shall pass. ♡ I’ve felt this for the past 4 years but like you said, I’m slowly learning to love myself and I constantly remind myself that these babies of mine, love me regardless. ♡

    Macylee

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